A few years ago, I had a series of heart attacks. From out of nowhere they stopped me in my tracks and made me reconsider everything about my life. You could say they were a major crossroads; I’ve spent a great deal of time since focussed on “letting go” of the feelings I was left with, that I’d been deprived of the future I’d been planning, a brief example of what lay ahead enjoyed, the perfect business collaborations and friendships formed, all to be knocked back, all to be no longer available in my new life. I think it was only yesterday that it hit me, I’d been so busy trying to let go, I had forgotten to look forward, to plan a new way, to explore what I have now that will shape a new path.
When life changes mean we have to make new choices, we have to allow ourselves a period of time to learn to adjust; that time required for acceptance to replace anger and frustration, time that heals initial pain and confusion and stops us asking “why did this happen to me” and replaces it with “what can I do no that this has happened?” and finally “I’m ready to see a future, how ever different it looks to the one I imagined.” When I was 26, I had a car accident that left me in a wheelchair for almost 12 years and one of my key learnings from this experience was that we have to mourn things we loose, not just people. I lost the use of my legs at 26, I had to mourn all the things I had lost from my independence to my joy of mountain climbing to making love with my husband. I had suffered a loss, a bereavement, the death of my life the way it had always been.
The last few years have been my time to adjust, to come to terms with my latest loss, the belief that my heart was strong and would work, without me thinking about it, for many years to come. Once you’ve lived through the heart attacks, the surgery, the physical recovery, the news of heart-failure, the difficulty breathing and total inability to do much of anything without help from others, you start to accept. Acceptance that you are a different person, physically, and that means mentally too. Acceptance that life is not going to look how you imagined, or planned. Acceptance that every day is rather special, precious, too important to waste on worries and concerns.
Now, I’ve reached the point of planning for a future; that feels amazing. Seriously, when you’ve spent a few years not knowing if you’re going to make it, you see every single day as a bonus (even the ones where you feel negative and scared and less than great) because it’s been such an enormous effort, on the part of so many, to make it here. Planning can take on a whole new meaning now, not just something I’m told to prepare for my business to thrive, but instead, a plan for my life, to live every day as though it might be the last chance I get to enjoy feeling this good. I’m reminded of a song by Tim McGraw called “My next thirty years” and the lines speak to me of making every moment count.
My focus now is changing, from letting-go to letting-in; I’ve pondered enough times to last me a long, long life, what might have been if I hadn’t had the heart-attacks. It is time to let in the new, embrace the opportunities starting to come my way with my new focus, my new goals in place. It can so often be the case that we’re not open to new opportunities because we’re so focussed on the past, the ones we think we missed or messed up. Not for me, that time in my life is through; I know I have limits, that my heart is depending on me to look after it and make sure I stick to those limits and behave. And it’s also telling me in a loud, strong, clear voice “I trust you. Go get ’em girl. It’s time!”
And it is time. Time to move forward. Time to let go of the letting-go and time to get on with the next chapter of this remarkable life.
Dinah x
Dinah, What a wonderful post – I’m so glad that Hannah shared it… I fear you’ve possibly had more than your ‘fair share’ of problems (or ‘opportunities to overcome problems’ as an old friend used to say…) but your reaction and strength have been a great example to many of those you’ve met and interacted with – even if you don’t recognise it at the time. Your ‘letting go of letting go’ posts will be one retained in my ‘positives’ file for my own frequent ‘down’ times… Do keep on keeping on – you won’t always be rewarded with the knowledge of where you’re making an impact but I assure you it’s always there. 🙂
Thank you Keith, what a wonderful comment. I am delighted to hear you’re going to keep this as a positive to look back on in the low times; I will do the same with your comment. Dinah
The other day you said something to me about missing out on the potential to make a real difference. You meant through your public speaking (i presume) and it caught me by surprise. I’m glad you’ve written this blog post because since we spoke, I’ve been meaning to write a blog (or something) about you and the very real difference(s) you’ve made to my life. I know for absolute certain that I am not alone in feeling this. You may be making your difference via your blog, via sharing your incredible journey and through personal interactions rather than through standing at a podium in front of thousands of people; but believe me, you are making a real difference. And in so very many ways, to so very many different individuals and groups. Things have happened because of you. Your “book” to date, has been unbelievable; your future chapters, from the ‘spoilers’ I’ve been privvy to, appear to be equally exciting and inspirational.
Thanks for this blog xxxx Thanks for YOU xxxxx
I always said to you, your illnesses were just trying it on – they didn’t have a clue who they had taken on as a contender! Go get em girl! x
Thank you Ruthie, You certainly did. Always one of the people cheering me on and helping me to believe in myself. Dxx
Stay strong. It is hard it really is I know. I have gone through quite a few major ops and still have ongoing medical issues. You just have to appreciate what you have and make plans so that you can look forward whilst taking it one day at a time x
Thanks for your supportive words Susan, much appreciated. It is tougher some days than others, and knowing I have support from friends and family and those who have been there before me, makes it so much easier. Sending warm, healing wishes your way x